Welcome ladies and gentleman to the main event of the week! In the category of Culinary Boxing here at Chef’s Mandala, we have weighing in at 431 lbs/ft2 from 4 B.C., please welcome Bronze! His opponent, weighing in at 384 lbs/ft2 from 1913 A.D., please welcome Stainless Steel!
LET’S GET READY TO RRRRR…….HAVE A SPIRITED DEBATE ON FOOD!!!
In the Red Corner – BRONZE
One of the oldest metals known to mankind, Bronze is an alloy meaning it is a delicious recipe that you can make at home! Just combine 3 oz (88g) of copper and a dash of tin (12g) in your best kitchen bowl. Mix gently and bake at 1710 ºF (930 ºC) for “holy shit my oven just melted through the floor of my house” minutes. That’s right, Bronze is THAT much of a bad-ass. It has an entire Age named after itself. Famous for its’ slipperiness in pasta, previous opponents haven’t been able to lay a hand on Bronze. And in today’s Culinary Boxing tournament, it’s coming for you Steel!
In the Blue Corner – STAINLESS STEEL
Stainless steel is one of the toughest substances on Earth. When not crushing his enemies or listening to the lamentations of their women, Stainless Steel holds a sharper edge then Bronze ever could! Once it was only found in meteorites but today it’s everywhere. But don’t let steel’s prevalence fool you, it requires a temperature of 2750 ºF (1510 ºC) to make this blend of iron and other elements. While Stainless Steel is one tough customer, does this newcomer have what it takes when it comes extruding pasta?
- The Play-By-Play
Stainless steel charges out of the Blue Corner like a freight train with a cargo of PUNISHMENT for Bronze. Blow after blow is thrown, but Bronze slips and dodges them all! Folks, this is just painful to watch. Steel can’t lay a blue glove on Bronze, but that doesn’t mean Bronze’s victory is assured. Punch after brutal punch lands on Steel but to no avail. I’m not sure who’s getting punished more, Stainless Steel’s face or Bronze’s fists?? Wait, what’s this, Stainless Steel crouched down for a second after a blow below the waist. But now he’s back up and his gloves are black! Stainless Steel suddenly can’t miss! Blow after blow rocks Bronze, wait Bronze is down, I repeat Bronze is down! The referee is counting, 8, 9, 10, the match is over, the crowd goes wild!
AND THE WINNER IS….
Stainless Steel by knockout in the first round no less, though accusations of chicanery are now flying around the boxing stadium. It turns out that in order to lower the amount of friction pasta dough generates as it’s pushed (extruded) through the holes of a steel die, teflon is painted over the metal. This drastically lowers the amount of resistance allowing larger amounts of dough to be shaped at a quicker pace. Though this pasta will have a smooth, glassy surface which isn’t any good for allowing pasta sauce to stick to it.