Welcome ladies and gentleman to the main event of the week! In the cephalopod category of Culinary Boxing here at Chef’s Mandala, we have weighing in at 8.8 lbs from tropical oceans of the world, please welcome Octopus! His opponent, weighing in at 2 lbs from saltwater oceans around the globe, please welcome Squid!
LET’S GET READY TO RRRRR…….HAVE A SPIRITED DEBATE ON FOOD!!!
In the Red Corner – OCTOPUS
What has 3 hearts, 9 brains, can grow to 20 feet in length and strangle a shark? Meet the raining champion of our seafood division, the octopus. Each of his 8 tentacles literally has its’ own brain. The Asian custom of eating this cephalopod alive is followed with great care. Having one of those tentacles stick to the inside of your throat is not a pleasant experience, no matter how much alcohol or sesame oil you’ve got lying around. While you can kill this creature and eat it before it realizes its’ dead, he might take you along for the ride!
In the Blue Corner – SQUID
Also a member of the cephalopod family, but this guy has 10 arms, 2 long tentacles, and can grow up to 46 feet in length! Furthermore, in all the oceans of the world, representatives of this challenger can be found. He is considered by many to be the basis for the legend of the Kraken. Like the octopus, males die shortly after losing their virginity in both same and opposite-sex relationships. Not only that, one 63 year old woman was eating squid in a restaurant when she accidentally gave it a blow job. The sperm injected into her mouth were so painful she was hospitalized. This is one cephalopod that won’t go down without a fight!
- The Play-By-Play
The referee is huddled in a conference with the judges before the match has even started. They seem to be debating whether eating a creature while it’s still alive is a morally bankrupt act, and so a violation of Culinary Boxing rules. Seems like we have an underwater version of the classic foie gras debate. Meanwhile, the two fighters, seemingly bored, walk over toward the judge’s table to hear what they’re saying. But wait, what’s happening, omg, the octopus just ate the squid alive, right in front of the referee. That’s right folks, cephalopod cannibalism just occurred before your very eyes!
AND THE WINNER IS….
Octopus is disqualified on the grounds of not waiting for the (dinner) bell. The moral question of eating a creature while it’s still alive is left unanswered. However, it is clear that cephalopods would extend this courtesy to you in a heartbeat!